Heaven or Hell
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Posted:Dec 24, 2021 4:12 am
Last Updated:Dec 25, 2021 5:03 am
5658 Views
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While walking down the street one day, a presidential candidate is tragically hit by a car and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high-ranking official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician.
"Well' I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really ? I've made up my mind. I to be in heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the people. They then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest Champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven "
So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls, moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before -- I mean heaven has been delightful -- but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter him to the elevator and he goes down, down. down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank Champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened ?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning.... Today you voted."
~Wee~
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The Farmer's Wife
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Posted:Dec 23, 2021 4:36 am
Last Updated:Dec 24, 2021 4:31 am
4931 Views
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A farmer got home after a long day of working in the fields and feeling mighty horny. He went to his wife and asked her if she felt like a roll in the hay.
His wife replied, "No Michael, our will be home from school any minute now."
"So what ?"Michael replied, "We can just turn on the dishwasher and he won't hear a peep."
She replied, "No way Michael," and that was that.
Michael got frustrated and decided to go take a ride on his tractor to let off some steam.
By the time their had gotten home, the wife had changed her mind. She asked her to go out to his father and tell him to come home and turn on the dishwasher.
The went out and told the farmer what the mother had said.
Michael replied, "Tell your mother that it's too late. I already did the dishes by hand !"
~Wee~
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5
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The Blind And The Blondes
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Posted:Dec 22, 2021 7:53 am
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2021 6:13 am
4685 Views
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An old half blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.
He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"
At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke cowboy, I think it is only fair given that you are half blind, that you should know five things :
One ~ The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Two ~ The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
Three ~ I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
Four ~ The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
Five ~ The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke ?"
The half blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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I may be posting a bit early today because I need to take a road trip in a little bit. Not bad though, two hundered miles total (only 100 both ways). I will be taking my Jeep Wrangler but not going down interstate. I will take an old two lane highway next to interstate, reason being is htat this a BIG Jeep. There are a few sections of concrete on interstate where there are dual wheel tracks in each wheel track on the interstate. Here is the problem with those sections of interstate and HUGE tires. While cruising seventy-five or so miles per hour and comming across these sections of dual wheel depressed wheel tracks, the steering wants to go into what is called a 'death wobble'. The front tires have uneven surges of resistance against them and cause the steering to violently shake. I am talking steering wheel back and forth each way one uarter turn from center. The first time we hit those sections was a real joy, trust me... you don't ever want to experience the 'death wobble' !! After th efirst time I replaced all steering components with a ball joint pivot on them, tie-rod ends and center steering link but it still did it the second time that I took that trip and went over those sections. I do believe that it is the flex of the big tire's side walls while bouncing between the dual wheel depresed wheel tracks. I has a laser alignment done to the Jeep after the second time and only found that when I built this Wrangler that I had downe the alignment correctly and it was well within spec. the only thing that I have not had time to upgrade is the steering stabilizer shock. That is mounted to the steering linkage to take up this kind of road shock. I still have a single shock on it and haven't upgraded to the needed dual shock setup for this lift and big tires. Quick and easy fix this time around is to just take the two lane highway back to my home town instead of interstate.
I have no idea how much snow that they have gotten along the way as the snow has been spotty in areas between here and there lately. Besides, the Jeep has a winch in case we do wind up in the ditch and can't get out (yes I have a snatch block packed in the jeep). The reason we are headed there is for early Christmas reasons plus I need ot babysit a few computers plus cure some networking issues. It will be nice to be back home for a short while anyway. Hopefully the road will be fime for travel, which I am pretty sure that it is. If worse comes to worse I can have someone come and drag my butt back with my tow truck LOL.... btw, I am not packing an amp and a guitar for this short trip.
... So cheers and have a good day everyone !!
'.. can I sit next to you girl, can I sit next to you girl, CAN I SIT NEXT TO YOU GIRL' ~ ACDC
~Wee~
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You'll Turn To Stone
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Posted:Dec 21, 2021 8:35 am
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2021 5:53 am
5012 Views
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One day were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the boys saw a bush and went over and the other couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other went over the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something get hard, so I ran."
~ My question is : What do women turn into when they see a naked man ??
~Wee~
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13
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Stinky Pussy
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Posted:Dec 20, 2021 10:58 am
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2021 4:57 am
7099 Views
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One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "Ok but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They have a love hate relationship, one hates the other and the other loves to piss him off.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet, he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink anymore. It is finally clean and shaved and smells like a rose. By the way she's pregnant and god knows who the father is."
And he closed the door.
Sorry, no nudy image today. Instead there is a picture of my obsidian wand. No it isn't a mini vibe ! lol... you can research what they are used for.
Here is a little story involving it lately:
I pretty much keep to myself lately since I retired and closed my shop. On occasion I hear of someone that needs help and I will help them. I know a recently retired woman who had a vehicle worked on at a dealership many times to find out what is wrong with it. Mind you she spent thousands and thousands of dollars on it but the issue continued. I took my code reader over to her place and scanned the vehicle, found the issue and ordered parts. after the parts arrived I took it to my garage and repaired it but during one of my post repair test drives, I noticed a 'reduced power' light flash on. I pulled over since there were no codes showing on my scanner, turned it off and restarted it. No more 'reduced power' light. Also no stored codes. I took the vehicle to her and told her to drive it for a while and that if the check engine light or reduced power light came on.
A month later my cell phone rang and I was informed that not just one light had came on but both lights came on. "Finally !" I thought to myself, " I can get to the bottom of this vehicle's issue." The next day I took my vehicle code reader over to plug into the vehicle. Sure enough I found the issue. While explaining it to her inside her house, she started complaining about a ringing in her right ear and the pain along with it plus not able to sleep. Her doctor couldn't determine the issue. Well it just so happened that I had my wand with me. I keep it in my pocket in case my IBS acts so that I can massage the pain area and make it go away. I had her take it and massage behind and in front of her ear. Well guess what ? The next day when we stopped over to get the vehicle (I had to drive it quite a ways with the computer in 'limp in mode', a mile trip that ended taking 45 minutes) plus she said it had taken her pain away but still had the ringing in her ear. Meanwhile I started feeling like crap. While waiting for parts show in the next 4 days I played HELL with a cold in my lungs. It was a dry cold that would not loosen . Not able sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. Eventually I figured out what happened. I think that I caught this cold and flu virus from taking my wand back from her. Kind of like flu season in the good old days where someone that has the flu grabbed a door handle at a shopping center, then everyone else who touches it catches the flu from it. FINALLY after a week and a day, the stuff loosened within my chest and I can actually breath. I have lung capacity back and not a tight chest cold and flu. Sunday was a relax and just watch movies day catching a cat nap occasion but I finally beat it and am back on my feet. I don't wish that crap on anyone ! I wonder if she had picked a virus while visiting the doctor's office and it was passed that way. What ever.. it's finally gone !! (thank god) by the way, I only charge the woman for parts and not labor that I have into the vehicle... I have saved her over two thousand dollars already. Now that's the Christmas spirit !
Have a cool monday everyone ! I know that I finally will
~Wee~
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13
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Veteran's Wife
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Posted:Dec 19, 2021 12:11 pm
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2021 12:38 pm
4499 Views
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A woman put on one of her husband's old sweatshirts to go shopping then wrote...
"I went to Kroger tonight wearing one of my husband's sweatshirts. I got in line to check out and the man in front of me asked if the sweatshirt was mine. I said 'Oh no, it's my husband's.' It caught me pretty off guard to say the least.
He then asked if he was with me so he could just say thank you to him. I told him that he wasn't and that he was deployed at the moment. Then the man without hesitation started putting my groceries up on the belt along with his and told me he was paying for groceries today.
I was speechless.
The only thing I could get out was, 'Oh my god, are you sure, thank you so much' almost a dozen times. He said, 'That place over there almost took me away from my wife and four . Promis you will stay true and honest to him while he's gone and love him like never before when he gets home.'
I'm still in shock over it. There's still so much good in the world and we need to start focusing on that rather than focusing on all the bad."
~Wee~
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20
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She's Walking Away
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Posted:Dec 18, 2021 8:25 am
Last Updated:Dec 20, 2021 1:51 am
4866 Views
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A man walks into the bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing ?"
She replies, "I am off to New York. i read that prostitutes there get $400 for what I do for you for free."
Later on her way out, the wife walked into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going ?" she asks.
"I'm coming with you, I want to see how you live $800 a year."
~ On a personal note ~
Last night I moved the living room laptop that we stream onto the big screen from. Of coarse I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. Waking up at 2:30 AM, I notice the big screen tv is powered down as well as the laptop. Hmmmm ??? Ok picture this, my living room is 'L' shaped. The couch and TV are within the shorter east-west length of the living room. Right around the corner, in the north-south section of the living rooom, I have a decktop pc and desk setup. That is where the power cord of the living room laptop is plugged into. You have all been there.... a gaggle of power cords in that area. Half awake I sort through the cords and find the plug in for the laptop and swap it with my decktop's 3rd screen power cord. Still no power to the laptop.... hmmmmm again. "Ok" I think to myself, "I will take the laptop and power cord into the kitchen where I know there is a good power outlet to try." While still plugged in I began to remove the power cord from under an area rug to where I hear a BZZZZT sound from behind one of the couches. nooooo.... I have white carpet and I sure hope that didn't leave a mark !! I walked around the couches inspect where the chord comes out from between them.... Back up here about 4 days or so. I have a year and a half old Malchi puppy. Lately he has been sleeping under the desktop pc's desk, or in that area. Then I remembered that I had heard a "YELP" that sounded different than when he is pestering one of the cats and they hand him a pawfull of claws on the noggin' or on the snoot. So that is where I began looking at the cord as I lifted it up. In the darkenss behind this couch I see a quick flash and new that I had found the issue. The puppy had decided to chew on the power cord. Lucky for him he chewed the power cord on the low voltage side of the power converter and not on the110 volt end of the power converter. I might have had an early of roasted puppy for Christmas. I bet he never chews on a power cord again ! Half asleep I dug out my pen soldering iron (butane soldering iron made by snapon), flux, solder, shrink wrap (heat it and it shrinks around a repaired wire area instead of using electrical tape) and a wire stripper/cutter. I can think of BETTER things that I would rather be doing at 2:30 AM than repairing a laptop charge cord !! Soooo anyway, the laptop works once again and was charging fine the last I checked. At almost 4 AM I didn't even wanna log into the internet. I grabbed a thick comforter, piled onto the couch and drifted off into la-la land
~ That's my story and I'm sticking to it ~
~Wee~
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5
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Eating Bananas And Customer Complaints
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Posted:Dec 17, 2021 6:26 am
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2021 11:16 am
4502 Views
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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mother about that hair.
Her Mom calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called monkey, be proud that the monkey has grown hair."
At dinner she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair !"
Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
~Wee~
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5
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You'll like this
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Posted:Dec 16, 2021 6:36 am
Last Updated:Dec 17, 2021 7:21 am
4557 Views
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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in a river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
the preacher turns around and is almost overcome with the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus ?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes I am !"
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus ?"
The drunk replies, "No I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer dunks him again for a little longer.
He pulls him out of the water and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus ?"
The drunk answers, "No I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at wit's end and dunks the drunk again... but this time holds him down for around 30 seconds, and when he starts kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him back up.
The preacher once again asks the drunk, "For the Love of God, have you found Jesus ?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath then says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
~Wee~
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7
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The Gravy Ladle (joke)
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Posted:Dec 15, 2021 3:53 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2021 3:05 am
4283 Views
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John invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal his mother could not help but notice how shapely and attractive that the housekeeper was.
Over the coarse of the evening she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading his Mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your Mom came to dinner, I have been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it do you ?"
John said, "Well I doubt it but I will write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother, I am not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I am not saying that you 'did not' take a gravy ladle from my house but the fact remains that since you were here for dinner, one is missing."
Several days later John received a letter form his mother which said :
"Dear , I am not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I am not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she is sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love Mom"
~Wee~
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6
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Where's The Teef
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Posted:Dec 14, 2021 8:32 am
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2021 8:08 am
4023 Views
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An old lady went to visit her dentist.
When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.
The dentist aid, "Excuse but I am not a gynecologist."
"I know", said the old lady......
"I want you to take my husband's teeth out"
~Wee~
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6
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She's Been Framed !!
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Posted:Dec 13, 2021 6:33 am
Last Updated:Dec 14, 2021 7:36 am
4501 Views
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A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear.
Understandably distraught, she asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large coat so as to cover the stuck toilet seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctors, he lifts his wifes coat to show her predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before ?"
"Well yes", says the doctor, "but never framed like that."
~Wee~
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8
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Teach Them Young
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Posted:Dec 12, 2021 5:28 am
Last Updated:Dec 13, 2021 3:55 am
4058 Views
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A small boy asks his dad, "Daddy what is politics ?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way : I am the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money so we'll call her Government.
We're here to take care of your needs so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper.
The little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good , tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, The Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit"
~Wee~
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